I finally realised something today that I should’ve realised ages ago. Years ago in fact. Oh well, better late then never huh?
The thing that brought this valuable but unsettling lesson is facebook, or rather the people in it. Watching a certain behaviour and even participating in it for a while, and failing miserably (of course, it’s what I do best) has been at times angst ridden but educational. There are a lot of well known people that hang out over on good old Eff Bee and they have many millions of fans between them, many of whom try to get ‘noticed’ by their particular chosen one. Most of them fail but still they try, I admire their perseverance, and I was once one of them. Now, maybe because I don’t have that perseverance I admire so much, I’ve realised that I don’t like how that particular merry go round makes me feel, so I’ve chosen to stop doing it.
Why do we need the acknowledgement of some relatively talentless but good looking famous person? Why do we seek it so fervently? Those are the questions that have plagued me for the past couple of years and it’s only recently I think I found answers that resonate comfortably. It’s because we’re so overcrowded that few of us feel our voice is being heard. We feel we’re drowning and we’re desperately crying out for a moment of attention. It’s because we all want that moment of feeling we’ve reached a bit higher than the millions of others also drowning around us. It’s because we hope their success will somehow rub off onto us thr0ugh their “hello” or smiley face. It’s because we feel so unworthy of achieving success on our own merits.
Another question I want the answer to, is why does it take fame to make us feel successful? What is this thing about fame these days?
Of course there are people who will say “I don’t seek fame at all,” and that’s wonderful but offer them fame and see if they turn it down..!
Will it make my life better if I get a “hello” or a smiley from a famous Eff Bee’er? Will it fuck..! I’ll still be the same ageing, unattractive, overweight and unsuccessful single writer I was before. I’ll still be the same socially crippled and unlovable weirdo that most people try to avoid because they can’t ‘get their head around’ me and my autism. The constant striving for a moment of attention from this or that celeb only serves to remind me how unsatisfying life really is, how life sucks cock big time. I don’t want to be reminded of that all the time I fail to be noticed. I don’t want it and I certainly don’t need it. It will not serve me positively.
So I’ve taken the decision not to do it anymore. I will still appreciate a person’s skills in their chosen field, but I will not seek their attention any more. I’d rather be noticed for my own skills and appreciated for my creativity than because I got a smiley from a celeb on Eff Bee.