Dear Santa

I’ve never written a letter to you before, although that’s not because I’ve never believed in you.  My mother remembers me as a four year old waking everyone in excitement at 3am because you had called and left our presents at the end of our bed.  That made you angry though, because you came back and took them back and made me go back to sleep until the morning, sorry about that.

I don’t know why I’ve decided to write to you now.  Maybe it’s because I’m 50, which is one of those important milestones that make you take stock of your life and think about stuff.  Maybe it’s simply because I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine tonight, I don’t know but anyway, here I am.

So what do I want to ask you for this Christmas?  Where do I start?  Actually I know what I don’t want more than what I do want.  I don’t want stuff.  I can save up and get stuff for myself.  No, what I want can’t be bought and only a miracle can bring it to me, so that’s where you come in.

Santa, I want to be loved.  I want to be adored and I want someone to adore in return.  I want to stop being someone only fit to be hated.  I want to be able to look in the mirror and love the woman I see staring back at me.  I want to conquer my addictions and enjoy living.  I want to love myself and love life and cherish every moment.  I want to laugh every day and forget the last time I ever cried.

I’m talented, clever, intelligent, imaginative and funny but y’know Santa, I’d trade it all for one day of being beautiful.  To be able to walk down the street and have people look at me and smile because I’m so beautiful would be so wonderful.  I’d trade all my gifts for a minute of beauty.  I’m sick of being ugly, I’m sick of being the one who is funny but nothing to look at and I’m sick of all those ‘it’s the personality that counts’ cliches when we know all men judge by looks first.  Please make me beautiful for just one day Santa and I’ll trade all my talents and gifts without complaint.

In that one day I might find love, I might discover how to smile or even a reason to go on living.  Beauty is everything today Santa, and without it you’re nothing.  We live in world where you are judged  by the way you look, not by the content of your mind.  It’s wrong I know, but that’s the way men are.  I can’t change them so I have to work with the system or die.

Santa, if you can’t make me beautiful, then bring me a blind man to love.  A  man with no eyes cannot judge me by my looks.

Thank you Santa

Happy Christmas, love to Rudolph.